Part 9: Episode IX: Portrait of Ruin

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she'd once more fallen victim to cutscene stupidity and forced Steve into a position to unload approximately 10,000 bullets into his newly undead father. Then he cried like a woman. With that said, let's get this how on the road...

Hey, Steve. How's the traumatic experience going? There's a few things and ways about in this overly brown room.

A lift missing a battery which will have no relevance for quite some time. Who is taking all these things? Was there some guy that just freaked out when the island was attacked and just started gathering every shinny item that wasn't nailed down and scattering them about to slow down the assaulting forces?

Ah, right.

There's another door to the left of the Burnsides. We'll come back to the one in front of them later.

This leads to a doppelganger hallway of where we initially regained Claire, only a floor lower and with an open shutter. The elevator is to the right there. Which means that whole peril drama bomb could have been evaded by not rushing to the top floor like a moron. People have to stop letting Steve push buttons.

The end hallways leads to a save room/new annoyance.

How very meta.

Wait, this doesn't look like this room. Not one bit! Well, aside from the pirate painting.

"Y'arr. A pleasure, me lady."

Yet another of those fantastic emblems is also glued to the wall. Maybe pasted. Remember paste? I don't think kids use that stuff anymore...

Remember that painting in the scientist head smashinate lab? Yeah, we need that. Though, one could assume the obvious secret half of the room would be revealed when the portrait is hung, in which case the activation is just something on the thing you hang it one, in which case Claire could likely just take off her female-Thriller jacket and hang that up there. But, God hates me... So off we go...

Hey, Steve. Papa still dead? Is this better or worse than the time you walked in on your parents having sex?

The area next to leads to some heavy artillery. But, is mostly just a transitional area. Though...

The door in the Tank Room unlocks to go back to Mr. Gulp Worm's courtyard.

From there, Claire can loop back around to where Alfred was camping. That whole "descent into death" thing really didn't pan out too well, did it. What was the grand trap? That crumbling platform? The zombies? Alfred is no Ramon Salazar, I'll tell you what.

Placing the emblem reveals the Emblem Card. These damn emblems are so numerous they're going fucking digital now. Anyway, this goes to the Indigo card readers from earlier. At least, that's the Prophecy at the moment.

Luckily, Capcom gives Claire a bit of a break, as there's a ladder in this courtyard which leads back to the room with exploding barrels Steve passed through.

From there, Claire can backtrack and pick up what she missed earlier.

The Grenade Launcher, which will be her bread and butter for large caliber encounters.

The Grenade Launcher has four different kinds of rounds:

• The stanadard Grenade rounds, which launch a short range volley of explosive shots. These rounds can do some damage, but one must be in very close range to use them effectively, as they spread and explode after a short distance. On the plus side, you can hit multiple enemies of aimed right.
• The Flame rounds, which shoot a much farther range incendiary shot and sets its target ablaze on impact. Stronger than the grenade rounds and much farther distance. The only down part being it only hits one target at a time.
• The Acid rounds act similar to Flame rounds, only shooting, as the name implies, acid shots. These kick the shit out of most enemies, especially Bandersnatches. There is the rare enemy that will be less effected by this, but these are the strongest somewhat common ammo of the lot.
• The earlier discussed BOW rounds, which are unique to this game. These pack a beating on large mutants and spread a gas across the room for a few seconds on impact. They're very rare and should be saved for a particular boss fight later on.

New toy in tow and without so much as an excited jig, unlike certain characters, Claire proceeds into the nearby room behind the newly open shutter.

And immediately gets pimp slapped.

Just the job for the newly acquired weapon, which shall henceforth be dubbed the Pimp Slayer.

Men of the night vanquished, Claire takes a sidetrip to yet another room.

Then by all means, stand and gawk. Nothing more to be done here.

Claire now backtracks all the way to the last stop on the elevator from earlier just before that whole Papa Burnside incident.

"STEEEEEELLLLLLA!"

Claire comes upon a command room. Yes, those corpses will come alive in a minute. No, I won't comment on it again. Yes, it's exceedingly spooky, as was that zombie falling from the shutter. Anyway, there's a computer console with some info for Claire.

A...salamander...

Really...a salamander...? Do they just put a bunch of animal names in a hat and pick one out every Friday to start pumping full of T-Virus to see what happens? I mean, I could see the monkeys, scorpions, spiders, dogs, and insects. But...a little harmless slimy lizard...? That, Umbrella, is where I draw the line.

Okay, question. Electricity? From a salamander? That doesn't even look like a salamander. That looks like a facehugger crossed with a diseased penis with cartoon arms attached. I'm getting a headache...let's just carry on...

Further down in the command area, Claire comes upon another console, as well as another flashing item.

Hey hey. One more closer to finishing this silly ass game.

The computer console behind it can also be operated to fiddle with the camera. Conveniently, currently monitoring the scientist head smashing room.

That doesn't mean Claire is past checking out his ass.

"Y'arr. Tah Davy Jones' Locker with ye, me hearties!"

Well, now that's convenient as you can get. Guess where to next.

The final door in the command room unlocks to, once more, Alfred's old haunt.

*Boards of Canada tune for transitional purposes...*

Claire heads all the way back to the keypad with the code in plain sight of said keypad.

...

You don't say...

Taking bets now. Odds currently at 10:1 in favor of it smashing out as soon as she collects the painting.

Now, this is just getting silly.

Obligatory scary escaping of Baby Albinoid

The cute little guy escapes into an airvent to one day grow up to be a big strong mini-boss.

In the meantime... Run away... RUN AWAY!

Oh yeah, meet the Albinoids. They're cute, they're cuddly, they have asses for faces and shit out electricity.

Claire makes her escape in much less dramatic fashion this time.

Going all the way back to that picture mirror room.

"Y'arr. I tip me hat to ye for returning me to the seas, me lady."

The wall slides open to reveal a few things. Most importantly.

The key to that door allllll the way back in the Palace next to creepy projector room...

As well as a cute little model of the Military Training Facility. And who wouldn't want a 1:38 scale model of this lovely piece of real estate. Unfortunately, it seems Alfred's piss yellow tank is AWOL. But, no matter. There's, you guessed it, backtracking to do.

She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes...

Eight or so load screens later, Claire arrives at her destination.

Yet another eccentric little room of mild creepiness. Sorry, no pulling the wings off dragonflies and feeding them to ants again, just yet.

The head of the room contains the Sparknotes for the Ashford family history.

Message to the New Family Master

This lead to a whole sitcom situation where Alfred got it stuck on his head and the rest of the crew struggled to get him around. He eventually ended up in the emergency room, vase still on head.

An elegant golden teacup to an old vase? The Ashford family is really on the decline...

"This, of course, including dressing up like her."

"It was like fortune showered upon the whole family line."

"We were forced to pawn off the traditional golden tea set housewarming gift and buy a vase from Target to give to new masters."

Sorry, Harman old bean. I'm not seeing it happening any time soon.

"Young Alfred demands an arbitrary puzzle from you, peasant!"

There are a seven portraits in this room, counting Alfie back there. Claire needs to go in reverse order down the Ashford's line, watching the family sink further and further into the homoerotic fuck-up its hands are in care of today. It's a bit of a puzzle, to be sure.

Veronica (hey, just like the title) is obvious, as she's the only woman and began the family.

Next up was Stanley, who reading further had twin sons.

His son, Thomas, also received a tea cup. So there's him.

Arthur, his twin, took over then. As there's only one other read haired ugly guy in the room, there he is. He also seems to be the redheaded step child of Shane from The Shield...

Following that there's Edward, Alexander, and Alfred. Alfie is obvious, so that just leaves Edward and Alexander.

Grampy Edward being the older one.

Middle aged fuck-up Alexander being the next.

And babyfaced jackass Alfred being the final.

The wall spins around to reveal.

Umm...ok. I could have bought one of these at K-Mart, but thanks.

Oh, there's something inside.

I hate this game.

The true master of the Ashford line, huh? This must be Alexia "Sucked-37-Dicks" Ashford.

Claire starts question whether or not she should just go jump off the bridge and heads back the the Palace save room.

Now then, the Golden Lugers can be placed to unlock this door we could have FUCKING OPENED A HOUR AGO IF NOT FOR THAT ASSHOLE!!

This opens to where Alfred no doubt yelled at assorted employees and banged male interns on slow days. Nice artwork, by the way.

The view shifts to the "monster will immediately smash through this window as soon as you solve the puzzle" angle.

There's a little memo on the table here, it reads:
First digit: Left, Right.
Second digit: Left.
Third digit: Right.
Fourth digit: Right, Right, Right.
You must not reset while maneuvering.

OK... Let's check out Alfie's computer, shall we.

"Harman, I want one of the lab peasants to make me a new screensaver."
"Uhh, OK, sir. What do you want one of."
"One of my private films."
"Uhh...which one sir?"
"The one of me and my dear sister pulling the wings off a dragonfly and feeding it to ants."
"...for your computer?"
"Yes. Can you get them to do that."
"You want you and your sibling feeding a live insect to ants for your computer screensaver."
"Yes, is there a problem with that?"
"No sir... No problem..."
"Good, now send that Burnside boy to my office for some...overtime..."

*ahem*

The computer demands a password and turns on a nearby music box for a follow-up awkward puzzler.

Remember the memo from twenty seconds ago? No. Lay off the drinking, it's bad for your memory. Unless you're playing this, then bottoms up, chief. Anyway, the dial turns must be followed on the memo for this. Each one reveals a number.

First digit: Left, Right = 1
Second digit: Left = 9
Third digit: Right. = 7
Fourth digit: Right, Right, Right. = 1

Bingo.

The music box plays a creep little tune and little paper cut-outs of the Ashford twins dancing and kissing prove even creepier.

But, most importantly, a secret passage slides open.

A bit of a lightning storm flares up directly over the area. Odd climate on Rockfort Island.

The stairway at the end of this covered bridge leads up to a Disney Land attraction as an ominous laughter, slightly less feminine than Alfred's, drifts down from the hill.

What perils await in this haunting new locale? How did I ever enjoy this game when I was younger? Tune in next time to find out in Episode X: The House on Items Unwanted Hill.